Occupational Hazard

My Backyard Series               Rio-Rainbows                                               c-2005

Occupational Hazard

Edy and I had a conversation yesterday morning about SAFFRON and one of the new projects we have in the works. The conversation still has me spinning because I sense so much truth in her comments.

I’ll spare you the details, but let’s just say that it is a minimum five year undertaking with a cost of “X”…..(many x’s). It will take my forming multiple subsidiaries and require my full attention for the entire time. When it’s done, (knowing me), I’ll be dissatisfied and want to do another ….and another and another. None of them will reach the levels of perfection I hope for yet I feel certain at the same time that they just might. Sure, it will be beautiful and profitable but those are just the sirens singing on the rocks to lure me in, (again).

I’ve been doing the same thing for work for 40 years. I’ve been very blessed to have achieved some successes. If asked even a few months ago, would say that I was one of those guys who was fortunate to be paid for what I loved to do and would sincerely mean it.  Today, I’m not so certain.

As mentioned, I still have storage units with stuff from our Studios/Galleries I am attempting to dispose of. My hope is that at pennies on the dollar they will find new homes and not go the way of the dumpster as many of the other “treasures” have. It’s a depressing exercise and reminded me of the dozens of awards, medals and kudos that are also stored in there too.   I used to have a monster wall in my offices to display them all. I was proud of the achievements and felt that as a guy on the top of my game, I had arrived. Today, I think of that wall and all the time away from loved ones and missed life it took to acheive each gold frame.

Same goes for “all nighters” and years without vacations. I used to bring my kids to the office with me on weekends before they could even walk so I could meet fabricated deadlines and commitments while pretending to spend quality time with them. They grew up there and on job sites. What was I thinking?  Yet, during the last project I just completed, I did the very same thing, with my wife as the place holder. “Just let me wrap up these changes and I’ll get back to you”, I’d say to her in the morning only to awaken from my 12 hour Project-Fest of a series of “just one more thing”………..to find her already asleep.  THIS is not what I signed up for !!!

After all of that there are still the hassles of getting paid, supervision / management and “issues” inherant in each project. I’ve been questioning the pay off  a lot recently, what is it ? Is it really an exchange if I have to fight for payment after delivering my work? How many storage units of Awards, Magazines and Books featuring my work are required to finally make me “feel” it’s a TRULY a fair exchange? These are the questions du’jour.

Today I’m feeling that my Magnum Opus is just not worth it and all these decades of work have been in preparation of something actually more important than another building or 60……….Perhaps it is as simple as a Blog ?