Sick and Tired

Sick and Tired

For the past week Edy and I have been recreating what an old TB ward must have been like “in the day”, but in the privacy of our very own home.  We’re sick. It’s one of those sneaky sicknesses that lets you think all is gonna be OK during the day until it’s bed time and then you realize at 10pm, Midnight, 2am,4am and finally 6am that you were fooled because one of your lungs is missing and the other one hurts too much to answer roll-call.  We hack and hack and hack some more. When one of us gets quiet. then the other picks up the slack and keeps the duet going 24/7. It’s exhausting.

It’s the air. HOT dirty air. It’s been averaging in the 100’s

Air Quality Index for yesterday was 127 (Unhealthy for sensitive groups) 150 is unhealthy for anyone, so we’re definitely sensitive. (Air quality index in Taos is “0”)  I know my lungs have been abused beyond belief; 1^st by growing up in a “smoker’s home” and later when I owned furniture companies and would just walk through the paint booths while they were spraying various lacquers and aircraft polymers without my respirator.

 Add to all of this this an assortment of very intense “things”, then stir in some other “heavy stuff” and it stands to reason why we’re exhausted.

 Times like these also bring forth a number of positives that would never have been able to surface without all of the above. We’ve been reminded how much we love our home (and AC), healthy food, yoga and most of all each other.

 As much as I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired …………..I deeply and completely accept that this IS what IS going on right now and within this perceived “mess” is a rainbow just waiting to emerge………when its time..

LOP

LOP

“Perhaps this was not the best idea?” I said to myself as my lungs screamed and my throat burned as I peddled from the ½%’rs through the 1%’rs onto the 2,3,4,5% and home. The idea was to move some energy that has been building up, particularly this morning as I waited for an appointment that was to be here at 11am but by 2pm had not shown or even called. I peddled my disappointment out pretty hard and made it to the end of Route #1 in record time. I was panting and burning inside and out as I turned around for a new recon mission.

Edy and I struck out early this morning for a walk hoping the heat would not be too bad, we were mistaken. Although we kept to the shade, the humidity and temperatures rose quickly, and we were soon sweaty. Talk topics were upbeat and positive and Edy connected some dots I had not thought of before on a particular topic which I found fascinating. Upon returning home I weighed whether to take a shower now or later and decided to hold off until after the appointment and got on some correspondence I began yesterday.

Once I finished the 1^st round of research and reach-out I was coming out of my skin and decided to practice some new yoga in the spare room. It was strange doing it out of the context of the Bikram Studio but they were not poses I was familiar with and I began slowly. About an hour later I completed my “work out” and became very antsy. “Success!!  Energy movement as requested !!” I said to myself and went to tell Edy I needed to Move-IT, Move-IT………..”I’ll be back in awhile”…..

Traffic was light during the 1^st few legs of the journey and I took advantage by staying in 18^th gear all the way to the park turn off. The sun was brutal and the heat index off the pavement had to be 130. As I turned into the Land of Plenty (LOP) I took in all the sights and smells that go with a Saturday afternoon. Grass cutting, gasoline, hidden flowers and hot asphalt all mixed together into a bouquet of summer in the south.  

As I made my way deeper into the LOP I recalled a paragraph I read in TEXAS.  

Texas has its own vernacular for wealth. Although the book was written in the 80’s I’ll still use his figures to adjust for whatever we call this mess we’re in right now.

Makin Due $1-3MM

Doin’ OK $3-10MM
Well Off $10-50MM
Wealthy $50-100MM
Rich $100-500MM
Texas Rich- $500MM +   ; Yep, this IS the place.

I continued peddling  and found even more examples of success on a very impressive scale. Don’t get me wrong, I am a HUGE fan of successful people and congratulate them on their achievements. Most of my career was spent working with just these families and I am very grateful for all the opportunities that came our way.   I’m ready for more.

As I continued home with my face into the wind I felt like a huge hair dryer had been turned on and my throat, lungs and skin discharged all the moisture they had. I passed by some agave that was suffering badly last year and I was glad to see that they were thriving and shooting out “pups” due to this year’s rain.

"Yep, Rain-fall today would be nice" I thought I kept peddling.

Kabob-NOT

Kabob-NOT

I spent all day researching ownership information and key personnel contacts for some resorts in our region.  It was a lot of work.

Yesterday, Edy and I decided to visit some of the finer establishments on our list to see what they were all about and to experience each location first hand. It was an impulse move and very uncomfortable for me.

We dressed up and headed out and the first location and spent some time in the common areas “taking it in”. Classical décor, although dated and I did my quick check of the things that drive me nuts during a 1^st impression walk through. Lighting missing trims, lamps out, mold at the diffusers, dirty diffusers/moldings, screws sticking out of moldings and scratched up paint everywhere……….. Other than that, it’s a pretty place and the ratings are well deserved.

We approached the desk and asked for the GM. “Do you have an appointment sir?” , “No, sorry this is an impulse visit and we just wanted to introduce ourselves”. Front Desk folks were stellar (as behooves the Brand) and quickly the GM’s Ex.Asst. arrived to see what the heck we were all about. We asked a few questions and I was ready to leave, thanking her for her time. As we walked down the hall another set of questions came to us and we returned, asked for her again and she was most kind and professional in her responses and informed us that “Corporate takes care of all of that”. Even still, I’m glad we went back.

The second property was a funky but successful place where we learned they were undergoing a major administrative shake up. Gotta love Front Desk folks. The 3^rd stop was at a place we’ve been wanting to visit since we 1^st arrived and aside from the metered parking was everything it’s PR said it would be. I did my “check list” and the only issues I had, were lighting related and minor. Again the front desk folks were awesome and we came away with contacts for another day as well as wanting to stay there soon.

So all day I sifted through my contacts and connected a few strings of who knows who and then reached out to see if one on one introductions could be made to decision makers. Tomorrow I start again with another list I developed from this one and will keep at it as long as it feels right.

We love this town but have noticed that the air quality leaves a lot to be desired. My eyes are burning and my throat and lungs feel like I just left a Honky Tonk. You know its bad when they tell you to stay indoors tomorrow. I could have told you that yesterday.

On my bike ride a couple of days ago I came across these lovely Oleanders. They are very beautiful yet deadly poisonous. When I was a kid, there would be a few folks a year dying from using their “perfect” stems” to skewer their hot dogs.   I’m not really clear why I needed to share that but file it as you will.

Edy and I went down to the pool late today after all of my stuff was completed and talked and read for a bit as the sun sank westward. I finished my book and just lay on my back kind of watching Edy read and then focused on the clouds with luminous sun-rays spilling out of them towards us. They radiated and shimmered and changed colors as their puffy filters dictated.       It all felt good, really good.

Summer Solstice 2012

Summer Solstice 2012

Edy and I talked a bit this morning over coffee and then decided to “take it on the road” and went for a nice walk in our neighborhood before it got too hot.  It was mostly cloudy with big summer rain clouds building up already. It seems like the rains came as soon as the kids left; matching our moods.  Our topics went from the deep to the deeper as usual. We had a few commercial interruptions as we passed by some myrtle blossoms and took in their perfume. On our way back the skies opens up softly and misted us as we hurried for shelter under a big ol’ magnolia tree; continuing our conversation.

When we returned I got on to some correspondence I needed to get out and was disappointed to not receive some I had been waiting for. I then made a couple of phone calls and returned to finish some stuff I had begun last night but did not complete. Edy made us some lunch and we giggled over a goofy poem we made up part to …”here I sit all broken hearted………”  I’ll let you fill in your own ending.

It thundered and lightning’d like crazy for an hour or so and I was sure we got whacked when a bolt hit outside our window and I could feel the ozone shift INSIDE the apartment. Wow ! Being a big fan of storms I loaded up the cameras and got on my bike for a post-storm documentary shoot.

I was hoping for some good reflective puddle shots but the sun was off and I decided to concentrate on flora as I made my way, the long way, on Bike Route #1. Rain drops on flowers are easy money shots and I shot over a hundred. I’m still getting used to digital and lots of goofing around with white balance and manual adjustments were needed to get the images I wanted. I’m still not 100% comfortable with it all but am willing to keep learning as I go.

The fragrances from this morning has been washed away in the rain yet the breaking clouds made for very interesting highlights as I rode and shot my way east into the land of the 1%. Half way through the ride a woman in a silver pickup truck came along side and said “Howdy”! “Howdy back-at-cha”, I said.

“I noticed you taking pitch-yures back yonder”………”Yep, and I’m gonna be taking more over at those roses too in a minute” I replied. She whipped out an Iphone pointed it at me and click-ka-zoom was outta-there. “What the heck was that I thought??”………..Neighborhood Watch most likely…….who knows?

The roses took a beating in the storm but I was able to shoot some of the survivors (photograph like a Viking). The signs at each corner said “Don’t EVEN think of cutting our roses!!” (ANGRY 1%’ers at that) On my way home I stopped by a kids park we all like and took a shot for M because she too is a big fan of trees. I’d tried the shot several times before but the light was always goofy, today it was perfect and made the whole trip seem to have more purpose.

Returning home I realized that it was about 100 degrees and 90% humidity and I was drenched. I parked my bike and wiped it down and rehydrated as fast as possible once I realized my short ride and shoot was now into it’s 3^rd hour. Humm, time flies……..

I uploaded my images and for the most part was pleased with the shoot-n-ride.

I then looked at my phone and saw that there were no calls and checked emails to see if my long awaited correspondence had arrived. Nothing !!…………CRAP !!!   

This is going to be the longest day EVER !!!

Mother of Invention

Mother of Invention

Yesterday was a roller coaster, so much so that I could not even finish the 1^st draft of this blog.  Throughout the night I had dreams of days gone by and people and situations that no longer aligned with who I am today. In my dreams I shook my head as I passed them with their accusations, claims and assertions on my time and energy. I awoke feeling a bit slimed, but also felt charged after yesterdays church service. The church we attend has an out-reach arm that I felt one of our prior projects would align with. So, I reached-out and offered it to them.

Digging through the old files of drawings and correspondence felt more like a continuation of my dream from the previous night than an effort toward forward movement.  As I dug, I found myself taking BIG breaths every once in a while. So big in fact that they would shake me back into the present moment.  Thank you lungs!

Perhaps it’s the energetic void of a new grand-children free home or perhaps it’s the frustration of living in the best economy in the world and still not being able to get things to “pop” despite a ga-zillion current ideas I have floating in my head and 200x that amount stored in the archives from days like this in the past.   All I can say is the beaver dam is still holding and the pond behind it is rising daily.

I feel like I’m drowning.

Earlier in the month, I mentioned reading TEXAS by James Mitchner. It was a really good read and offered many useful pieces of history I enjoyed. One was the invention of barbed wire and its impact on the land, law, politics and the social fabric here and elsewhere.  What was once free range became a no fly zone and communal watering spots became “property”. It soon became a mess as miles and miles of open sky got compartmentalized and exclusive, (in the worst sense of the word).   Hundreds of folks were killed in disputes and it was the death-knell of the cattle drives on the old Chisholm Trail and others like it; cowboys would never be the same.

I started my career lifting hide-a-beds in a furniture store. I then moved on to display manager and then into the design studios of several firms. During these times I also had a furniture company, a construction company and a photography business on the side. When I could not get the quality I needed from my contractors I got my GC license and then formed my own Design/Build Firm. I then got more licenses and credentials so I’d never NOT be busy. When business slowed down in one area I got licensed in a dozen other states so I would always be busy………..and for the most part, busy I was. Happiness or better yet CONTENTMENT were never part of the equation and once this was realized things started shifting and have never been the same (thankfully). Sure economic downturns caused problems but nothing like this last “doozie”. Once we hit Houston we were certain that it would be nothing but blue skies and opportunities knocking our doors down.  Our initial entre’ was just that, but we’ve now sailed into the doldrums and hurricane season has begun.   

We use computers to draw everything now and during the 90’s as technology took over I worked really hard to be at the forefront of that curve and have stayed there to the best of my ability. Then came my experiences with green-wash and all things green and I committed myself to knowing all I could about that topic so that I became a leader in that field too. My mornings are spent staying current with relevant topics in all the industries that interest me and others I wish to know more about.  I do this because I want to be ready for the next opportunity that comes my way.

The rules of sailing in open water dictate that during downtimes to do maintenance and repairs. You can also take on projects that will not impede the voyage if you so choose. It’s also a good idea to catch up on sleep and replenish stores, if possible. I believe the same rules apply to farming and manufacturing. During previous lulls, I designed and developed a few thousand acres of LEED-ND properties, including at least a dozen unique net-zero homes, developed a software systems that monitors and controls energy consumption in buildings remotely as well as fun furniture and lighting designs that I hope to use somewhere…………someday. While on my bike, during yoga and to and from anywhere additional thoughts, ideas and designs pop into my head and I’m lucky if I remember half of them by the time I get back to a place where I can draw or write. The archives are overflowing.

Sometimes I think it would just be easier to “get a job” and sidestep all the stuff that comes from attempting to force fine design and sustainable values where it’s apparently not wanted. Each time I have this thought I step away quickly to stop the bleeding and remind myself where that thnking leads me.   Those barbs are sharper than they look.

Blind Spots

Blind Spots

I woke up to Edy wishing me a Happy Father’s Day and we lounged in bed drinking coffee and talking like we used to do. The pause button had been pressed on these morning rituals for the past several weeks due to visitors, large and small. We didn’t mind because we had been dreaming of such visits and enjoyed every second of our bunkmates. Truth is, it feels pretty weird to be here with “just us chickens" after experiencing a house full of “kid energy” for over a month. We’ll be requesting a replay soon I’m sure.

I was really touched when I read txts on my phone, emails and a video from the village offering wonderful wishes for the day.   Wow, what a way to start a day! After more talking and coffee Edy decided to play an old Eagles song on the Iphone and we danced around the kitchen doing our version of the Texas 2 step.

We then headed over to church and got there a bit early so we could sit in the front. It’s still an awe inspiring experience and I am really enjoying being there. Whatever suspicions I had earlier I’ve released and just gone with saying of my era “If it feels good – Do it”.  It’s one thing to be in a place where a few hundred folks sing and praise but 44,000 makes for something quite different. My only similar experience is the feeling I get when sports stadiums play the national anthem and all are standing and “getting into it”. It’s that times a ga-zillion.

On our way over Edy and I continued our conversation of this morning about personal growth and development and the roles of dynamic / static masculine-feminine energy in the lives of humans. It’s a fascinating topic within an umbrella of other fascinating topics we enjoy delving into.  When I get stuck on a particular piece within myself she is always there to point the way out or offering possible alternatives. Just like a side mirror on a truck, she helps me see my blind spots.

We do it for each other, and as a village we REALLY do it for each other. It’s not a fault finding exercise in any way. It’s truly an act of love I’ve never experienced before Edy. To really “see” someone in all of their very highest potential and in the most loving way possible offer an observation of truth is powerful; REALLY powerful !

I’ve been driving for a long time and not once have I EVER had an argument with my Side Mirror. The mirror shows me a Truck barreling down on me I “adjust accordingly” , no questions. Yet, when it comes to someone I love and trust asking if perhaps I am not really “seeing” the full range of my attitudes, thoughts or behaviors, I become defensive and make excuses for actions that are really not in my best interest but are a Blind Spot and therefore I get nailed by the truck………………every time I don’t stop to “listen”.  Go figure.

Edy had a wonderful rest of the day planned for me. We golfed, then went to yoga together and later had a really nice meal at home while watching some recorded shows on TV. The feelings were peaceful, easy and for now, my blind spots were clear.

It’s been a wonderful day !

Slippery Slopes

Slippery Slopes

Edy was able to get our wireless back up by using her Mac Time Capsule we bought over a year ago. Our Belkin Router #2 wore out just shy of it’s 1^st Birthday, just like it’s cousin. They used to be a good company, now they make crap. I am so disappointed in them; in fact it bums me out that they make such garbage.

Disappointments are slippery slopes I try to avoid because once recognized the magnification begins and then snowball effect takes over and everything in my field becomes one big “bag of bum”.  Sometimes it’s a minor irritation that swells into a bum and then into a gangrenous “problem”. Other times that same irritation just flies by without any impact. It does feel that these things come in waves and the duration is directly related to my ability to be grateful for the lessons contained in each wave or in some cases tsunami. Of course my expectations are the root of all of these feelings as much as I want more than anything to point away (out there) at the culprits as opposed to looking at the mirror and adjusting accordingly.

Recently I’ve been experiencing a number of deep bums followed by periods of immense joy (directly related to "visitors"). The roller coaster is exhausting and with each peak and trough the feelings get stronger and contain way more G-Force than is really comfortable. I have family in the Ozarks who “have a touch of that BY-Polar” and sometimes I wonder if I too might be a bit “touched?”

I was reading in one of my professional journals this morning about a group that is now using Universal Design in their Sustainable Homes. We were doing this years ago , but now its “Headline Ready”; that and about a dozen other “headlines” of late are also bumming me out in a BIG way.

Some days it just sucks to be a dreamer a visionary.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, when you’re “hot” you ARE “HOT” and rewarded handsomely. But, in the interim you spend your days coming up with cutting edge solutions to problems folks don’t even know exist…………..yet , while trying to keep your family safe and yourself off the slippery slopes in whatever manner possible.  Sometimes these days turn to years and then a breather comes for a spell and then the waves begin again. I don’t think Dentists or CPAs experience this, but I could be wrong.

 So tonight I made a list of things I am grateful for to shift myself off the slopes, for today.

1.     Edy for being Edy, my love ( good with wireless routers too)

2.     5 year old visiting granddaughters (and grandsons too , though they are away )

3.     Laptop WITH wi-fi connection

4.     Air Conditioned home

5.     Today is almost over - (One Day at a time will get us through this one too)

Hiate

Hiate

Being a big fan of words I was intrigued when I read this made up word from one of the blogs sites I read.  Apparently she is taking a few weeks off to recharge her batteries and other such non-doing things that allow some creative flow to come forth. A season to plant, a season to reap….. It seems to be a theme of late.

I know times such as these are important if not critical for creative flow and rejuvenation of all sorts but I still have a challenging time in non-doing. Decades of “pedal to the metal” started shifting several years ago. In days past I would create on the fly (literally) between destinations in my home away from home, Delta Seat 5A. A few hours to ….a few hours fro…..and voila’….”creation” …that was the extent of it. In between times were spent in meetings or with a few cell phones in my ear and the people who mattered to me got what was left. I would have fought tooth and nail to tell you that 100% of me was “always available” but the truth (hindsight) was that it was more like 1%....................on a good day.

For the past several years this way of being has shifted pretty drastically with one re-visit to the “flat out” well that lasted a bit over a year. As it turns out that “visit” to the way back machine was enough to remind me of my tendency to lose sight of really important things for the sake of money, busy-ness and ego.

I’ve not written too much lately because I’ve just not been “feeling it” in terms of writing about what has been going on. We’ve been so fortunate to have grandchildren and their mom’s visit for the past weeks that real time experiences have been taking precedence over writing about them.  The fact that no open projects exist also adds to my free time (hiate) and for this I am really grateful. In my non-doing of the past few weeks I have been able to do the following short list of things with our younger village members that would have never been possible if my prior life was still playing out in its old worn out way:  Zoo, Dinosaur Exhibits, Scuba Diving Lessons, Swimming (above and below) 1^st with swimmies then without , Body Surfing, Monster Sand  Castle Building, Eating Dead Fish (Smoked Trout- oh so much fun to dissect), Teaching Billiards/Loosing at Billards, Teaching Chess / Loosing at Chess, Coloring, Legos, Arts and Crafts……………and more swimming and then more swimming…….. an tons of other things

Today I took LLL on several excursions on foot around the neighborhood. We visited the Mgmnt. office and picked out a couple of DVDs for quiet time and then went to the movie ticket store for tonight’s activity. I took the long way home so I could show her some of the tall buildings we both enjoy in our area and on the way got a chance to lift her up to smell some of my favorite flowers (Gardenia and Magnolia) and discuss the characteristics of each, from leaves to bark. Along the way we picked up some beautiful sticks because I mentioned that sometimes it’s fun to find such items on long walks. She was determined to find THE most beautiful stick in the city for “Grammy”. What love.

Once we were at the “Tall Buildings” she wanted me to take her through each place I stood when I photographed them so she could see exactly what I saw through the lens of the photos that she viewed previously on the computer. “Oh, grampa – I see the building in a building “…………”Oh, YES, it DOES look like a pyramid from here”…………..”I think those clouds mean rain”………….”Look more Magnolias”……..and on and on……..so much knowlege in a small little body.

It was hot and we took a break to walk around the central fountain of the courtyard of the facility. While we were walking she asked about the special places people have in their hearts for people they love. “Do you have a special place for me Grampa?”………..”Oh, LLL”,  I answered,  “come and feel this place here, this is my special spot just for YOU!. It came the day you were born”………….and this one is for L1 and L3 and KH and Mommy and AH and UF and this huge spot here is for Grammy”…………..We walked a few more laps around the fountain stopping a few times to “check the spot” on my heart………………”Yep, grampa it’s still there” she confirmed with each pass………

When we entered our building and she pressed the button for our floor she asked “Grampa, I sure would like to know HOW this elevator works, could you show me?”………”Sure LLL, when I have a project with an elevator we’ll take a peek and I’d love to show you  how they work”.  She then stopped outside the door of the elevator after dropping us off  and said (while shaking her head in amazement) “You mean that that elevator sits there all day just waiting until somebody pushes the button?”…………..”Yep”, I answered, “It’s only job is come and pick you up and then drop you off on your floor when you call it”…………….. She nodded approvingly as if to say “Yep, as it should be”………………A powerful young woman from a line of powerful women. Watch out world !

If not for my current state of Hiate-ing I would have missed it all.

The Universe kind.

Little Big Blessings

Little Big Blessings

Summer time has begun.  Grandchildren for weeks and activities galore.

Edy and I dream about days like these while we’re here together and we are now living them daily with the exact cast we had hoped for.