ONLY a Test!

ONLY a Test!

Storms continued throughout the night and sleeping was fitful, again. I awoke for the umpteenth time at 3:33am to shut off the computers and despite only trying to sleep for a little bit weighed whether I should just stay up and relieve myself of the forcing of slumber which was definitely having the opposite effect.   I decided to give it another shot and used a new jujitsu move I’d recently read about to induce some zzzzz’s. It obviously worked because I was up and making coffee before 8 and sat out for a bit on the porch getting wet as the storm pelted our town from the NW. Grey, dismal and very wet.

I decided I’d forego church this morning and just leave early to ride for a long time in the rain and hit yoga at noon from the south. I was able to catch Edy before she too set out for church and she reminded me how much I enjoy the church scene and that in addition to a portion of a dream I had convinced me that my morning “plan” was probably not the best one for me on this day.

I quickly took a shower, dressed grabbed an umbrella and headed out through the monsoon to get “my seat” at church as fast as possible. The lower entrances were closed and blocked by flood gates (seriously) and I had to be pretty creative as I worked my way past the ponds of rainwater that had overwhelmed the storm water system. “This is going to be a BIG problem come Hurricane time” I said to myself as I looked again at the floodwaters rising.

The place was packed as usual and as I took my seat I felt glad that Edy had yet again “steered me right”, like she always does. Music was good, messages on all fronts were also good and I left feeling really up. As I exited, I could see that the rain had stopped and given the storm drains a chance to do their thing and path home was not going to require a ferry.

As I walked up the hill with the throngs of other up folks I was again reminded of a part of my dream last night. In the dream I was passed a note (yellow post-it) by someone I did not know who said it was for me. It simply said in pencil …..“I left the keys in the Word”, and was signed GOD. In the dream I looked all around and it appeared that I was in Grand Central Terminal at rush hour. The Clocks, the Stairs, the noise, people etc………I looked around and tried to find the messenger and to also see if I could find out who was playing the joke on me. Too many people………….ugh. “Who would send me this ? and What keys?...........What word?......”Oh, I get it, The Bible,Quoran,Torah ??.... that seems almost too simple…”really?” OR maybe its just A word………..Humm, like LOVE?.....that is where I left it......I then drifted off to another place and awoke to the rain pelting the windows.

I’ve had similar dreams all my life. Once when I was a teenager I was convinced that if I could only decode the words and hieroglyphs on the chalk board I’d have THE ANSWER. Later I’d have books thrust at me and I’d try to read and glean their meaning only to find out that they were in Cyrillic or Kanji or Arabic. Yet, THE Answers eluded me.

This past decade has been a series of tests on so many different fronts that it spins my head and my heart to think about them all. It seems that as soon as one “test” is mastered another comes around to test the test and ensure comprehension on a completely different level. I have shared with Edy on several occasions that I feel a grooming that began a long time ago continues and I feel it more now than ever. I keep thinking it’s going to be some kind of lightning bolt or  a particular day that I’ll have some epiphany as to what it all about, but the answers continue to elude me.

As I crossed the street and walked home I had the thought that each test rubs up against something in me that is out of place and not in keeping with my vision for me as a better man, a better husband, father or grandfather. Like sandpaper, these tests rub me and “irritate” me until the rough edges are smoothed and then I can be held up to the light to reveal any other areas that need polishing. Uncomfortable, yes – forever no.

I walked into the garage and punched the elevator for our floor and thought again about another recurring theme that has been coming up again and again this week. Positive Expectation. I’ve never given a lot of thought to these words in combination as I have always felt that everything that goes on in our lives is “right on schedule” and “for the best” and just kind of let it all go so I did not have to endure the feelings that come with things that FEEL lousy at that moment. I just let that sit with me until it was time for yoga.

I left early for class so I could take the long way there and get more exercise. As I rode I sifted all of these feelings and thoughts around and let them integrate into my body as I peddled. Class was good but super full, over 60 hot bodies, sweating in unison. I keep making progress and as I was struggling through one pose I find very challenging I remembered what one of the other teachers says as he goes through his dialog……….”Smile……….. it’s only yoga”………….

I rode home faster than usual hoping the added exercise of the day will help the sleeplessness and thought back to all the “Tests” of the past decade and those still to come and then thought to myself………….”Smile…… THIS IS JUST A TEST”…..”pass or fail makes no difference and it sure beats the alternative of not being tested anymore because of graduating on to obsolescence”.

With that thought I peddled a bit harder, smiled a bit wider and spoke directly to the wind in my face, “Thanks” I said, “I still don’t "get it"….. but please keep those tests coming until I do".