E=mc2

E=mc2

Edy and I took off for a whirl-wind weekend visit to NM to pre-celebrate an upcoming 5 year old birthday.Things are pretty intense here in TX and the timing of the visit was perfect. Edy stayed to keep the good times rolling, I returned to get some stuff going here.

It’s always good to see the gang and see how much the little guys have grown since our last visit only a few months ago. Wow 5 years old for L3 already! It seems like a “blink” and a “few lifetimes” all wrapped up in a beautiful blond headed package. Time seems to be like this these days, relative.

My flight home was delayed several hours, yet I finished my library book at the original departure time, so I had lots of EXTRA time on my hands to think and watch folks in the airport as the evening grew later and later. I thought about time, timing, delays, expectations, precision, warps and slots; All relative.  I then thought about family and the word relative(s) and how the same laws for time seem to fit with the overlays placed on these individuals just because they have created or become part of a particular time/space continuum.

One of the definitions of relative I think works perfectly for both is :

3. something dependent upon external conditions for its specific nature, size, etc.

Time for the sake of time means nothing unless there is someone there to give it importance. I listened as the boys watched a NatGeo show on dinosaurs which broke the Planet’s existence into a 24 hour period from post big bang (life) to now – Dinosaurs lived from Midnight to 5pm – Then newer animals and plants took over until 3.5 seconds ago which is the duration of our existence as humans.  Time, lots of time AND lots of relatives preceding us.

Relative(s) all come into the world as “beings” and are initially dependent on their hosts and villages to nurture their being-ness until such time that they can sprout and claim interdependence / independence. The imprinting on/from the other relatives is in most cases indelible and hard wired into each as they continue to grow in their respective time slots. Despite the imprinting each has an individual energy that seems to shine brighter and brighter each year unless some trauma / drama befalls one or all and then various neutral density filters take over until such TIME that they too can be identified and set aside.

 Anyway, as I sat in the Albq airport thinking about all this stuff while already missing my love and loved ones I thought about the Pale Blue Dot and that in the big scheme of things, the reality of missing is just a fraction of a nano-second………..But, then again, that too is relative.

Recycling

Recycling

Despite setting up a bunch of appointments this morning and going to noon yoga with Edy the house has a definite echo in it since we returned LLL to Austin yesterday. A week of 6 year old energy, loving times and activities leaves a void when it’s unplugged from the scene. I don’t like to talk about it (thus the busy-ness) but eventually it’s there and I drop into the ….ugh, missing.

As mentioned, we had a great afternoon at the butterfly house while LLL was here and it’s a pretty fascinating exhibit. About 2500 fluttering bodies at all times recycled every day to the tune of about 10%. They have a “staff” Iguana who I feel is part of the recycling team as he looks quite healthy.

This time through the exhibit I had 2 songs in my head as I remembered they only have two weeks to emerge from their cocoons and “live” before going off to the recycling department. The fact that they can do whatever they want except lay fertile eggs seems a bit “Roman” if you get my drift, but $4 admission fees dictate that that is the way it is and the FDA also has a say.  Edy pointed out that “emerging” from a cocoon into a butterfly has lost a bit of its Zen appeal after these visits and I have to agree. Actually, I feel a sense of urgency now that is quite new.

Over the past decade I have divested practically all I have accumulated over the previous decades. All the treasures and important items I held on to for their value have been shown to be of little value if any in the real world. At one point in Taos I could not even give away 40 cases of Architectural books, so I recycled them at the dump. Sad. Today I took a bunch of art to a guy and recycled it into his collections. I then took a couple hundred designer ties to Good Will and recycled them into the new emerging butterflies of businessmen venturing out into the world. There has been so much that has been let go of, it is mind boggling at times.

The ties were a bigger deal than the “ga-zillion dollar art” I’ve released back into circulation. I did not get it at the time but there was a lot of grieving that went into letting those items in particular go. Each tie represented a new project or event I bought each one for specifically. I had certain stores in certain cities all over North America I would go to for the most unique and “special” tie I could find. With each of those projects and events came a dream that if I kept my shoulder to the grindstone all the success and security in the world would be at my fingertips and smooth sailing would soon be at hand. Of course it never happened that way and the next lead to the next ….next….etc…..

I had a friend who used to say that "in the end everything is rented".

"OK, I’ll buy that", but today I got a bit clearer on exactly what my particular rental agreement was all about. I feel that, sure you can rent it as long as it brings you pleasure and joy but when it leads to anything that smells like it’s there to “fix” something or  to maintain some kind of perfume of the past, then it’s time to pass it on and recycle it to someone else who can re-enjoy it and leave me free to dream new dreams with a bigger container for the future.

Even if it's for two more weeks, I'm flying my #$# off and listenening to Marvin G as much as possible.

Over Steering

Over Steering

Yesterday morning I had a chance to lay in bed with LLL as we flipped through the TV channels looking for “kids shows”. Click- Spanish, Click Public Access, Click- Infomercials , Click – Sailing…….”WAIT !! – Go back” she said. “Let’s watch this”. My heart swelled to maximum capacity …………”Ah”, I sighed, “Grandpa’s girl for sure”. 

We watched for quite some time going over all that she knew about sailing (which she gathered in the previous 30 seconds) and began getting into the regatta that was underway. We spoke of marks and tacking and jibing but mostly we talked about oceans and waves and “if those rain suits were heavy or light “?   When the charts were shown of the course with overlays of the contenders it was pretty obvious who tacked and “jibed-ho” properly and who under or over steered the marks. Cumulative mistakes that add up to winners and losers. It’s a super fine line of intuition, experience and skill that is more a gut feeling that it is science, although science certainly plays a greater and greater role these days.

In my youth I bought an English Sports car. The engine blew after the first week of ownership. I made the seller give me a new engine and I rebuilt it in the driveway of his gas station on 3^rd Street in Naples, FL for 4 weeks. Naples being Naples, it became legend. Anyway, I took up motor cross racing and felt I had a lot of promise. The car could only top out at 90mph even with twin carbs but I found that by tweeking the suspension I could just keep the pedal to the metal all the way around the track and the tires would stay put. Early on I learned the hard way to steer through trouble and not try to “react” because once the over steering started – doom-loomed and “whoops” – In the ditch again. Like many things in my life I grew bored with the little car – got a bigger one that was faster and then just got too busy with life and then sailing to include racing in my fun times anymore.

A similar thing happened with sailboats, real estate, and stuff in general. There was always a perceived need to keep adding and adding until “whoops” ……………..in the ditch again. Over steering as a Newtonian Law, "humm"?

Today I rode over to Yoga while Edy and LLL went to see the new giraffe baby at the zoo. I really wanted to go but I knew my current mental state was such that I did not want to risk dampening the joy of others.

I rode hard because I needed the release and got there hot and winded. One of my yoga buddies was there when I pulled in and we chatted for a bit while we waited for class. He asked how I was and I said “mental”. He nodded his head. Nothing further required. One of our other yogis arrived and we slipped into news, weather and sports as class neared. Class was good and offered the grounding I so desperately hope it would offer. After class I sat on my bench dripping sweat and re-hydrating in preparation for my ride home. Yogi #1 came out and joined me for a bit and made a comment about balance.

I finished my book last night on the BIG Rich and “sho-nuf” there was little happiness. Mostly fortunes squandered by greed, over-reaching or over steering. It’s the same story that has been told through the ages.

As I rode home in the heat and the traffic I thought a lot about balance and of course, over-steering.   I have never reacted to find balance, yet that is the only way one can over-steer. That then got me thinking about my current mental state of disappointment, disillusionment, dismay and my incessant need to keep my hands on the wheel at all times…………...

I sat up straighter, folded my arms across my chest and kept on peddling with the wind in my face………….”Answers, I have not”

Doin’ Life

Doin’ Life

We rose early yesterday morning to make a trip to Austin to celebrate a very important occasion.  Six years ago LLL arrived in this world and life for all of us has never been the same. The exact thing happened with L1 and L3 and of course KH. Each arriving into the Village with their own special gifts, skills and hearts that seem perfectly aligned to each one of us.   Our day was fun with a lot of outdoor activities and fun just time being together. Yep, it was hot ! The birthday girl and her brother were in their glory with all the attention and we were in our own glory having saved up all the attention for weeks.

On the way home we stopped by the “Bat Tree” off the interstate; so named because we stopped there once and I spooked some bats I had heard in the distance and they flew away in an impressive cloud. “Do it again Grandpa” and I did tree to tree……

So we tried again last night. We got a dozen or so, not the multiple dozens as before. Regardless, it was a success.   Thank goodness for successes.

My “potential” project from last week evaporated as quickly as it arrived. Like fog, it arrived stealthily and hung around for a bit making a bit of muffled noise and then just disappeared without a sound. Humans are such trips. The good news is I was able to update my codes a bit more and fine tune my costing database and learn more about the clients very early in the project;  tasks and insights I would not have done without this “fog”. “Seeing” better in the fog………”hum…interesting”!

I’ve been reading a number of novels about Texas over the past several months as you know and my current read is about the Big Rich. Essentially the big four families that made their money in oil and then parlayed it into disasters and roller coasters of life and wealth. I laughed out loud today at a passage that said that one guy was worth a “unit and a half” ……..(a unit being $100MM……..NOT Big Rich by any stretch) “I’ll bet he’s a unit and a half”, I said to myself as I continued reading. There is a lot of wealth in those 1000 pages but I’m still looking for any evidence of any happiness. So far it’s all been about the chase, chase for more, going bust, starting again, going bust again and then fighting with the next generation over the same rollercoaster. Families are trips and the 1% of the 1% are not immune.

This Sunday’s semi-sermon spoke of “Doin' Life”. The co-pastor used it in the sense of “going out and “Doin’ Life” as a happy human in every way. (I notice every sunday that for those few hours they are tha happiest folks I've ever been around, EVER !) I sat there thinking of folks doing ultimate hard time in the joint,  then turned to times in my life when I felt I was Doin’ Life, in the worst sense of the words.  These times are kept “green” for me via my dream state’s warped sense of humor. When I am even slightly stressed now a re-run of past events will play out in my sleep and I will awake remembering that it actually was THAT bad, in fact worse, with the advantage of hind-sight. But, it was “life” even in that survival form.

The opposite of this is the pure joy of “Doin Life” with kids around. We are so blessed to have them in our lives to do so. I also feel really honored to witness young families work through growth spurts of their own, as couples, individuals and within the various “roles” they have assumed. Doin Life takes faith, commitment, energy and a lot of support.

Although there is a BIG difference between Doin' Life and .........Doin' Life ……they both use the same "switch"..............choice.

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13^th

Blogging is getting stale as I live out what feels lately like a life via an 8 track…….”Oh, this is a good one”…I say to myself while snapping fingers and shaking my head along with the tune. Then the next track starts and it’s that darned tear jerker ballad……then on to the ones I can’t wait to be over , then the one I always forget is on this tape comes on and I do a “note to self” to remember it because I always forget it’s there …Then all of a sudden Track One starts up again…”Crap, why are the “ditty’s” always too short and where the heck IS KC  when you need him?

For the past couple of days I have been doing Due Diligence for a potential project in the Deep South. Operative word, potential.  New projects are like what it must be like to be a diamond cutter. Nice raw material (land) , lots of time studying the inclusions (sighting)  and inherent defects (previous mis-use). The cutter must then try to figure out how to make the most beautiful cut possible (design) with maximum yield (profit). Perhaps this was a bad analogy because the Cutter does not have to work with Feds, State, County, Regional oversight nor does he have to worry about local conservation folks but it felt good to have the similarities going for a while there. Anyway, I like doing this kind of stuff. It’s detailed to the extreme, multi-layered and as wide as it is long and this is only in the “lets see if it can happen phase”. “We’ll just have to see now won’t we?” I say to myself a dozen times an hour as I envision Edy and I eating fresh crabs, walking the beaches and sailing in the Atlantic again……………………Nothing like staying in the moment………………..ugh.

Edy announced it was Friday the 13^th this morning as I was making coffee so I said a silent salute to the Knights Templar. I’m a big fan of theirs. The photo above was taken from a little Inn I stayed at in Provence a few lifetimes ago. The hill you see in the background is full of caves first used by early humans, then Romans, then KT as they did their best to escape on Oct 13^th  1307.  Unfortunately they were caught right THERE and elsewhere and well……you know the rest. I chose this particular town because I am interested in this stuff and it was well worth the trip (and a half). During the night wild pigs roam and snort and grunt and dig up all sorts of stuff while their little piggies add to the chorus with their upper octaves. The locals have all kinds of lore surrounding the caves which stands to reason. History is History, judge it if you must.

This afternoon we ran out to “do some errands” and “have some fun”………by errand #1, the fun had evaporated and it took concerted energy on both our parts to really check in and see where we wanted to go next. Call in Brother Spinoza again to quote for us that “one never makes a wrong decision, at the time”. We took a break, ate a snack and then continued on toward our “mission” which we completed handily. “Well Done” we said in unison.

Edy then surprised me by suggesting the Butterfly Exhibit at the MNH saying we had free coupons. Whoo-hoo! - Free stuff -You Bet !! The exhibit was great with over 2500 colorful little guys flying all over the place. I will return another day with my camera as it was that good !. It seems that they release several hundred everyday as the poor things only last two weeks. Chrysalis are flown in daily from all over the world. They can mate but cannot lay eggs as no host plants are allowed. So, essentially they are born in captivity and get two weeks to do whatever they want and then die…………….with no offspring. Why does “Cancun” keep popping up in my mind ???......

Anyway it seemed a bit of a bummer after hearing that but we continued around the exhibit enjoying the colors and the perpetual graceful mevement. I could not help but remember Yabu-sama’s Sepiku Haiku from Shogun as we finished up our time in the exhibit:

Sunrise

Sunset

Life is

but a Butterfly’s Dream

Happy 13th !

NUTS

NUTS !!

Patience is a virtue I have struggled with my whole life.  On one hand I am able to work diligently for years on things to build; transforming ideas from a simple thought into reality but on the other hand I make myself absolutely NUTS when things that I feel so certain about do not happen on my timetable or in the manner I think they should.   I hate, I mean HATE the discomfort that comes with not knowing and uncertainty. I have spent my entire life trying to build “systems, procedures and methods” for dealing with what I perceive as cataclysmic event scenarios. Plan A, Plan B, Plan C all the way to Plan Z-7… have all been honed to the finest detail to ensure that the feeling of NUTs would not arise.    

Sure, I have a bag of tools I can use to loosen the NUT if it gets too tight and sometimes that works ….for a while. Then I can tighten the NUT back up when I get a “hit” on something that I feel will steer the river of thought towards my desired outcome.  I will crank on that NUT this way and that to release the internal pressure but despite all the tools in the bag we’re still dealing with NUTs …small and large and that in itself IS the problem. I can occupy myself for hours digging in the tool box to find the perfect mental socket wrench or dig deeper and reach for the magical spiritual crescent wrench (Insha’Allah) but to no avail and usually only ramping up another notch or eleven.

One of the biggest problems with NUTs is thinking that the next time will be different. I’ve gone through these feelings thousands of times, yet every time they come up I am dumb-struck when I realize “holy smokes, THIS AGAIN?”...................."Oh, brother!!"

Currently there are a number of things I really want to happen. I’ve been wanting them to happen for some time now and guess what ?..................as of this moment they’re not happening. I’ve tried a dozen different ways to “make” them happen but me and forcing anything just makes it break, so I’ve at least learned to back off…………..most of the time.

When I was an adolescent I had various motor driven contraptions from outboard motors to go carts and lawn mowers I would buy/trade for and fix and re-sell. I learned pretty early that I did not know my own strength as I started growing into myself. Time after time I would either over tighten and strip a NUT or snap it off by applying too much pressure and not enough lubricant when dismantling. I then learned the really hard lessons of EZ-OUTs and taps and dies.

As I continue to dig in the tool box I find the ol’ analogy compartment at the bottom of the box and then seek all the associated metaphors and such to try to ease the pressure. Sailing is always a good one because if there is no wind, there is no wind. PERIOD. Go NUTs all you want, wishing for wind is not wind and you will go NUTs if you don’t get this ASAP.  Surfing is another. Great waves happening on shore, run to get your board, paddle out……….waves stop. All the crying,screaming and wishing in the world will not bring tears to the sensitive empathic part of THE ocean to “toss a brother a wave” so all of his hard effort will not be in vain. ……..Fishing, Hunting, Dog Training, Birthing, Potty training, Learning ANYTHING, etc…It's all the same. This compartment actually holds the best tools of all and soon I am able to calm down and RE-member that when it’s time ………………

It’s time.

Then the question arises................

”Humm, .Why have I never gone to this compartment FIRST ????

NUTS !!

Dis-n-Dat #1

Dis-n-Dat #1

Yesterday I got up early to ride my bike over to the Little Red Caboose to get a haircut. The air was already heavy and getting hotter by the minute. Haircuts are a social event and my barber regaled me with story after story of his life and experiences with the backdrop of some of my favorite record albums on the wall. . I forgot he only took cash and failed to hit the ATM before I got there so I had to make a plan to return later in the day to “square-up”. I was disappointed in myself for not planning better.

As I rode south in the ever growing heat I was reminded of our emotion of the month for July “discomfort”.  As you remember, we pick a feeling word (or it picks us) and we agree to accept the feeling as deeply as possible and love ourselves for having it and being brave enough to embrace it. Not a simple exercise, I assure you.

I made it to yoga without incident, except I was already hot and tired and sat outside on the bench watching the cardinals and doves show off their Saturday morning tricks , hydrating for class. Class was full and my lung situation (TX-TB) gave me fits during class as I was unable to get full breaths. The teacher reminded us that “if you need to take a knee, take it. BUT if you are getting too comfortable in your postures, work a bit harder, discomfort is a good thing”. (Ah-ha…I sensed a theme brewing and my antennae perked up). I was wiped out after class and sat out front finishing my water and trying to catch my breath. I then saddled up and headed home through the Saturday noon traffic of folks on missions and thought about the slang word “DIS” and it relation to other words it is combined with.

My limited rapper understanding of “DIS” is that it is short for DIS-Respect. I first heard it in a Maximum Security Prison I used to volunteer at. One of the guys was going on about how “he dis me and he dis me and he’s a %$^&*er cause he dis me too” I had to ask one of the inmates next to me what the heck it meant. “Oh, OK I got is now” I said to his explanation…………I was actually glad he explained because my assumptions were WAY off base. Assumptions tend to go that way with me…….out of the ballpark.

I was beat when I got home and Edy had a really good idea to go to the market near us and eat lunch and listen to music. We made a huge salad to take with us and agreed that Fish Tacos would be the perfect meal. The sun was straight up in the sky when we got there and ordered and we found a table in front of the band with a sliver of shade. The band was one we liked and the fish tacos were perfect. Man it was hot. Discomfort continued until I got us some ice water and slid the table closer to the shade sliver.   We boogied for as long as we could stand it and then made our way back home to cool off by the pool for a bit. Discomfort continued as the sun beamed down and the woven seats imprinted my skin.

 As I lay there I kept breaking up dis-words that came to mind.

Discourage
Discomfort
Dishonor
Disappointed
Disgrace
Discord
Disease
Disagreement
Discredit

I’ll add more as they come to me.

I recently read a good article by someone I “respect” who suggested that one should never “dis” their past in any form, because all the lessons, growth and evolution that has happened from past experiences would then have been for naught and wouldn’t THAT be a shame. “True-DAT” I said out loud as I read it.

I then returned to my list and tried to break up the words a bit more in the context of the article I has just read. “Humm….OK, Dis-courage – When I am discouraged I am dis-ing my courageous self, OK I get that”.”Next,  Dis-comfort , OK, I can see that when I am out of my “comfort zone” things are uncomfortable sometimes debilitating so. Somehow I sidetracked to having conversations with colleagues long ago about how many hours we worked a particular week. “Ha, you only worked 90 hours !!!, You SLACKER !! It would go on like the Monty Python skit month after month. Mind you these were both women and men and from what I know about feminine energy now, those poor ladies were working themselves into a pickle and a half. Us guys were just poofing up and showing off. Sure we had boats and cars and kids and homes but we never saw them or enjoyed them. All the comforts of hard work. Diss’ed in the highest order for wanting more and more. There is something very wrong with that whole equation and somewhere inside of me I knew it was wrong.

I continued down the list and began to feel that this would be a longer science experiment that I had originally planned on. Science is like that.

Edy and I went to church early and sat in the front. It’s our second time being so close so now it is a “family tradition”. Music was great and the folks as happy and energized as ever. The visiting pastor was engaging and had a good message. In the middle of the service there is the opportunity to get a prayer partner and bow together to add an exponential charge to the matter at hand. I stood in line while others went before me and I’ll be darned if I did not end up in front of the main man himself to combine our energies in sending a message on-high. I really can’t remember much of what was said as I was kind of transfixed in the moment,  but I do remember him saying something about “no need to feel discouraged, You ARE Courageous and all the past is in the past,  your eyes and heart only need to look forward now.  I was touched and gave him a blessing as I walked back to sit with Edy.   The theme continues and it occured to me that to "dis" anything is a choice, pure and simple. Sure, we all have "bouts with doubts" but if we just go with them as deeply as we can then this allows a BIG shift and other even bigger stuff to come forward as in dis-apear or disolve. As this realization took hold I gave I gave a big “Amen, and added another True-Dat” . It was a busy morning already.

Verklempt

     My Backyard Series                                    Cinderella Park                                                                    c-2012

Verklempt

There are times when I am walking, driving or just being that I find myself so overcome with the bigness of it all that I just have to pause.  I’ve been having more of these feelings lately. Perhaps it’s because my new life is slower paced or perhaps it’s because I want to witness more “bigness” ; I don’t really know or need to spend a lot of time on it, it just IS.

This morning Edy and I walked over to our church and gathered with a ton of other folks doing the same. We sat pretty darned close in row #6 and did not have to use the flanking monitors to see the emotion in the eyes of the choir or the pastor. There is a lot of musical revelry in that place and like concerts of old, passions get ignited and released. I dig it so much! My next door neighbor was just such a soul. She knew the words to every number and belted them out as loudly and emphatically as humanly possible. That her key and the song’s key were miles apart made no difference at all because she was into it as far as any one person could get into it and I loved her for that.  Go Mama, GO !!

The service itself was lead by the older brother of the “name act” and he did a fine job, notes and all. Then their 78 year old mother came on to give her testimony of being healed from a terminal illness and being free of that illness for over 31 years. She is an engaging devout woman who has taken her experience and turned it around to help others. I love that the whole family is involved, in humility and service. It inspires me. As Edy and I walked home I was reminded of my own reprieve from a terminal illness almost 28 years ago and I skipped a breath. I was Verkelmpt.

After we got home and changed our clothes we grabbed an umbrella and went for a walk in the rain. Edy and I talked about all the varied assortment of things we enjoy talking about as well as the service we just attended. The rain was warm and more a light mist than a shower and I let Edy keep the umbrella, while we strolled towards the Cinderella Park. Myrtle blossoms littered the streets where the earlier storm had blown them free of their mother ships. The colorful confetti of blossoms lined our path like a ticker tape parade. It was glorious.

 As we made our way back home through even more multi colored confetti our conversation turned to children, dreams and then on to priorities.   It all soon became just too BIG and again left me Verklempt.