It Sucks - To Be Free

It Sucks – To Be Free

One of the constants in my life is the amount of energy that goes in to managing stuff that sucks.

In the old days I’d skirt around it and offset it with things that didn’t suck but the constant awareness of having to go back to it at some point took a lot of energy.

Be it clients, contractors, permitting authorities , vendors _____________ (fill in the blank) sometimes stuff just sucked big time and I’d eventually have to look at it and “deal with it” by either the head on assault – flanking maneuver – or in rare cases retreat.

Sailing, Travel, Fine Dining, Music and Art soften suck-i-ness slightly but the knowledge of a fraction of  residual suck-i-ness tainted even these pleasures.

Positive thinking didn’t seem to help in the long run. Spiritual principals help a bit but not fully and communication with other humans offered varied opinions and views on things that sucked even worse – or not that bad depending on the person offering the input. Rationalization and Resignation seem to be the key weapons used to combat suck-i-ness. Regardless of all the “mind games” the suck-i stuff remained. Until yesterday.

Edy and I were driving and had had a long conversation about respective areas that sucked. We were stuck in 50 miles of holiday gridlock and had just left an warm visit with people we love dearly and were heading back into “life as we know it” – Dark clouds of suck-dom descended and in a very short time we were deep in the storm. The usual weaponry was useless and after a few hours Edy simply said “can we agree that this sucks” , we’re on a sinking ship in the Antarctic , in the water ,  freezing, no land insight, waves battering us and drowning …….It took me a very long time to realize what she was saying.

”Yes” I  finally said, “This sucks big-time and worse than that, I have no clue what to do now”.

 It was then I felt us both being lifted into the rescue chopper.

My Better Half

My Better Half

Edy and I enjoyed a nice post lunar eclipse afternoon at the beach yesterday.

We like to get away there at least once a month. We’ve discovered a quiet little place that is clean and has fewer people on it than most other accessible locations. I long for a boat again to find a beach “just for us” as I don’t like sharing much of anything with anyone, except her. My Better Half.

We marvel at how much time in a day we can spend together yet still have the feeling that we did not get a chance to say all we wanted to say, do what we wanted to do or be together to the depths we had hoped. Joined Together at the Hip, Three Legged Race, My Rib, Best Friends, Soul-mates, all “kinda” describe our relationship. But it is deeper and broader than that. It has layers, spirals and shadow places that continue to be discovered on a daily basis.

We can be goofy one minute and then a switch flicks and we head full bore into some deep hard places. Edy is very open to this emotional spelunking, I have resisted it pretty fiercely until recently. I’m not sure what has allowed me to finally “go for it” with regards to the exploration into the depths but I feel it has a lot to do with trust and wanting to know that I’ve given my all to her regardless of the fear this vulnerability instills. I also know in my core that THIS is the man I have always wanted to be and anything that is “locked up” or in the “vault” impedes my fullness.  Each heart opening on my part also adds a bit more to the “us” and we’re at a point now that I can see and feel how risking it all actually is the best form of absolute security there is, for both of us.  

Of course none of this would ever be possible without Edy’s patience, love, devotion, insights, gifts  and her direct connection to the Creator of the Universe. I am so blessed.  

EML, My Better Half

Re-Mission from GOD

Re-Mission from God

Edy signed us up for a “Writership” program last month.

I was initially excited about delving into my writing a bit deeper, but was quickly reminded why I’ve not posted here for some time now. This blog began as an exercise to keep my creative juices flowing and also allow me to use my photographs to “instill beauty” on a regular basis as my “day job” was in remission.

Thankfully Edy mandated I write daily and add photos at will.

This formula worked pretty well for a while. I noticed that I seemed to always have a list of topics;  yet other topics started poking their heads up and started poking louder and harder to the point where I just stopped writing altogether to make them “shut up”. It seems I had hit a wall.

I’m not entirely sure what this wall is all about. Part of it has to do with completing the few dozen actual short stories I have outlined. Another part has to do with topics that feel too fragile and raw to actually put to paper. Fortunately the muses seem to keep me inspired on all fronts regardless of my feelings that there is no audience for anything that comes forth. We’ll see.

Writership is going to take commitment of time and energy which is fine. I’ve spent decades “on a mission” on the development-design-build front and feel ok with making the time to do this too. I have had to come to terms with my 7^th grade English and no longer have “staff” to cover mistakes that neither Grammar Check nor Spell Check can hide.  (although they help tremendously)

I’ve been able to go through a couple dozen outlines of short stories and have selected eight to concentrate on more deeply. I hope to finish at least one by the end of this year and get it published somewhere. I have no idea where that could possibly be. (not Facebook)

So, stay tuned.  If you start to notice proper comma usage, you’ll know.

I’m on a Re-mission!