Don’t Look Back
There are milestones and then there are milestones. Today
happens to be one that makes me shake my head in wonder and offer up an extra
hooray of gratitude for life and ALL that goes with it. There are many times when I feel the need to judge a moment
in time as good or bad but it’s days like these that let me
remember what a truly bad day is and let any judgments about what IS go as
quickly as possible.
28 years ago today, in 1984 Reagan was president seeking
another term and I was sitting in a chair in Upstate New York wondering what
the heck I had done with my life? I was
27 years old and had already achieved a lot of outside successes as well as having
experienced some truly dismal failures; that chair being one of them, or so I
thought at the time. At that moment I
knew that all my tomorrows were going to be like my yesterdays and even though
I was not even 30 years old yet, I was already a has been. It was a bad day.
I learned a lot over the next twenty eight days about the definition
of a disease, co-dependence, soul sickness and grace. I left there feeling that
I had no clue what was going to happen next, but whatever it was – I’d be ok,
of this I was absolutely certain.
I found out much later that people are actually born with
this inner knowing. There were so many of those epiphanies over the next
several years that I stopped counting and just re-programmed everything I
thought I knew and spent most of those years shaking my head saying out loud ……“Oh
my, that too?”.
Over the years, I’ve met thousands of folks who also suffer
from the same “affliction”. From the upper crust 1 %ers to guys in Maximum
Security at a State Penn. It’s an equal opportunity disease that spares no one,
regardless of income level or address. In
fact some of the guys in Max WERE 1%ers at one time. Back in my day they gave a
success rate of less than 10% for folks obtaining remission. Today I think it
is even less.
Like everything else I do in life I dove in to the new life with
all I had and never looked back. I approached my new life with Bushido as I felt I was now at war. Also, as a big 007 fan, I remember thinking “hey”.....You Only Live Twice,
and put the pedal to the metal. There seemed to be a huge sense of urgency to
make up for lost time and I worked like crazy to build or more accurately re-build
dreams I lost while off-track. The promises they promised me came true in
spades and on the outside things were looking pretty fine and dandy. I was graced and did not even know it.
Then folks around me started dying. Dying from the disease
itself and from the many off-shoot forms of mutation it takes on. These were
some of my very closest friends, confidents and support team members. This
rocked my world to its core and set be back on my butt. I asked one of my
senior mentors “what the heck was going on here?, this just isn’t right”. “Davey,
ma-boy” he said “This is a killer, don’t you forget it. and never, NEVER let
your guard down because it’s not about the stuff you put in you, It’s Life,
LIFE is waiting for you to drop your guard”….”Crap” I said “really”?.....”Life
on Life’s Terms Davey, Not YOURS”, (bless you George P).
Over the years those words and many others like them float
in and out of my brain during high times and low times. What seems like a huge
victory is often revealed as a major folly and conversely what feels like the
worst thing ever turns out to be a springboard for something joyful beyond
comprehension (cue “the chair” in the 2nd paragraph and a thousand other things).
A lot
of life has gone under the bridge over these past decades, some of it I’ve
accepted as it came along, other parts I have fought with all my might until I surrendered
and cried “uncle”.
One of the most wonderful and unexpected gifts of this past
year has been a complete transformation and resurrection of my body. I am healthier
now that I have EVER been. Even when I ran nine miles a day in my early
20’s I was not in the shape I am in today after only ten months of Bikram yoga.
I am amazed at this. The other is my relationship with Edy and all we have
gleaned in 2012. There is way too much to put into a post like this but suffice
it to say it is deeper and wider than anything I ever knew existed in this life
to date.
For a guy who made sure his life was arranged with certainty
and nice little ducks in a row for years, these past several years of fearless exploration,
risk, adventure and creation have been the most exciting yet. Scary as anything but exciting, very exciting! I have no clue
how any of this will turn out, but I do
know it’s all going to be OK, of this I am certain..........................just Don’t Look Back
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