It Sucks - To Be Free

It Sucks – To Be Free

One of the constants in my life is the amount of energy that goes in to managing stuff that sucks.

In the old days I’d skirt around it and offset it with things that didn’t suck but the constant awareness of having to go back to it at some point took a lot of energy.

Be it clients, contractors, permitting authorities , vendors _____________ (fill in the blank) sometimes stuff just sucked big time and I’d eventually have to look at it and “deal with it” by either the head on assault – flanking maneuver – or in rare cases retreat.

Sailing, Travel, Fine Dining, Music and Art soften suck-i-ness slightly but the knowledge of a fraction of  residual suck-i-ness tainted even these pleasures.

Positive thinking didn’t seem to help in the long run. Spiritual principals help a bit but not fully and communication with other humans offered varied opinions and views on things that sucked even worse – or not that bad depending on the person offering the input. Rationalization and Resignation seem to be the key weapons used to combat suck-i-ness. Regardless of all the “mind games” the suck-i stuff remained. Until yesterday.

Edy and I were driving and had had a long conversation about respective areas that sucked. We were stuck in 50 miles of holiday gridlock and had just left an warm visit with people we love dearly and were heading back into “life as we know it” – Dark clouds of suck-dom descended and in a very short time we were deep in the storm. The usual weaponry was useless and after a few hours Edy simply said “can we agree that this sucks” , we’re on a sinking ship in the Antarctic , in the water ,  freezing, no land insight, waves battering us and drowning …….It took me a very long time to realize what she was saying.

”Yes” I  finally said, “This sucks big-time and worse than that, I have no clue what to do now”.

 It was then I felt us both being lifted into the rescue chopper.

My Better Half

My Better Half

Edy and I enjoyed a nice post lunar eclipse afternoon at the beach yesterday.

We like to get away there at least once a month. We’ve discovered a quiet little place that is clean and has fewer people on it than most other accessible locations. I long for a boat again to find a beach “just for us” as I don’t like sharing much of anything with anyone, except her. My Better Half.

We marvel at how much time in a day we can spend together yet still have the feeling that we did not get a chance to say all we wanted to say, do what we wanted to do or be together to the depths we had hoped. Joined Together at the Hip, Three Legged Race, My Rib, Best Friends, Soul-mates, all “kinda” describe our relationship. But it is deeper and broader than that. It has layers, spirals and shadow places that continue to be discovered on a daily basis.

We can be goofy one minute and then a switch flicks and we head full bore into some deep hard places. Edy is very open to this emotional spelunking, I have resisted it pretty fiercely until recently. I’m not sure what has allowed me to finally “go for it” with regards to the exploration into the depths but I feel it has a lot to do with trust and wanting to know that I’ve given my all to her regardless of the fear this vulnerability instills. I also know in my core that THIS is the man I have always wanted to be and anything that is “locked up” or in the “vault” impedes my fullness.  Each heart opening on my part also adds a bit more to the “us” and we’re at a point now that I can see and feel how risking it all actually is the best form of absolute security there is, for both of us.  

Of course none of this would ever be possible without Edy’s patience, love, devotion, insights, gifts  and her direct connection to the Creator of the Universe. I am so blessed.  

EML, My Better Half

Re-Mission from GOD

Re-Mission from God

Edy signed us up for a “Writership” program last month.

I was initially excited about delving into my writing a bit deeper, but was quickly reminded why I’ve not posted here for some time now. This blog began as an exercise to keep my creative juices flowing and also allow me to use my photographs to “instill beauty” on a regular basis as my “day job” was in remission.

Thankfully Edy mandated I write daily and add photos at will.

This formula worked pretty well for a while. I noticed that I seemed to always have a list of topics;  yet other topics started poking their heads up and started poking louder and harder to the point where I just stopped writing altogether to make them “shut up”. It seems I had hit a wall.

I’m not entirely sure what this wall is all about. Part of it has to do with completing the few dozen actual short stories I have outlined. Another part has to do with topics that feel too fragile and raw to actually put to paper. Fortunately the muses seem to keep me inspired on all fronts regardless of my feelings that there is no audience for anything that comes forth. We’ll see.

Writership is going to take commitment of time and energy which is fine. I’ve spent decades “on a mission” on the development-design-build front and feel ok with making the time to do this too. I have had to come to terms with my 7^th grade English and no longer have “staff” to cover mistakes that neither Grammar Check nor Spell Check can hide.  (although they help tremendously)

I’ve been able to go through a couple dozen outlines of short stories and have selected eight to concentrate on more deeply. I hope to finish at least one by the end of this year and get it published somewhere. I have no idea where that could possibly be. (not Facebook)

So, stay tuned.  If you start to notice proper comma usage, you’ll know.

I’m on a Re-mission!

Mental Barnacles

Old Beliefs are Slowing me Down - Time to scrape my brain for 2014

Now is the winter of our discontent……2013

Frozen Whispers Series                               "Boilin' Cold"                                                                  c-2011

Now is the winter of our discontent……

Winter Solstice 2013.

Only one short year ago to the day the Myan’s were having a good laugh up in Myan heaven over “expert opinion” regarding the end of the world as we know it. If memory serves me correctly the prior near doom scenario we barely escaped was “y2k” and the associated horrors predicted by other “experts” ……which then makes me wonder, “are the experts STILL experts after all of these whoops?”. I imagine in expert world they still rein high and receive “expert compassion” from their peers. “Well Nigel, I can now see how the conflation of that glyph could lead to just such a deduction, in-fact didn’t the same thing happen to ….what was that old chaps name from Oxford…..”?..........”Anyhow ol’ boy it could have happened to any of us” (We’re jolly well glad it did NOT, and have all agreed so in private) “Carry on, stiff upper lip and all..”

Edy and I were recalling some celebrations and rituals we’ve experienced together including but not limited to our meeting in France, our Wedding and Honeymoon on the 3^rd Mesa with the Hopis as well as other rituals that occurred during our time together.  Over the past several nights dreams  I’ve been recalling my “calling” to design and construct the Medicine Wheel at our home in Taos.

Much like the trip to France where I met Edy, it was an immediate YES, with another immediate sense of urgency to “make it happen”. Same was true with our Honeymoon trip into Hopi Lands. I had been studying all the tribes of the region, but the Hopi intrigued me the most. I met a woman who had understanding of their culture and insights that compelled her to gift me with sacred corn and eagle feathers (NSA-you did NOT read that)  It was an urgent “calling” that was driven from within and despite bringing all of my large and medium format cameras, I never shot a frame of film. It was truly a “trip”.   Several times Edy and I looked at each other and gave the ?????.......then shrugged our shoulders and carried on…….doing what we were “told”.

Many a warm evening and even more freezing cold nights I would stand on our Medicine Wheel and Cry out to the heavens in joy/gratitude for our wonderful life. Then there were many nights that those cries were full of tears of pain/suffering for current situations I could not for the life of me understand. All I knew was that I had to keep walking…………….

There have been many times lately when I am again confronted with situations that baffle me. My first line of defense is to get in my head and analyze the heck out it in an attempt to find just the right slot for it to fit so things will “feel better”. What I’m finding is that more and more I just don’t have a clue about much anymore. There are things that are just SO outside of my understanding that I need to quit “leaning” and surrender.

Along the same lines as France, Hopi, Medicine Wheel etc.. was a quick conversation with Edy almost a year ago about the Bible. I have always felt myself Bible Literate, but at 55 years old had never read it cover to cover. So, last year I read it, again and again and am doing it again. There is some good stuff in there!  The good news about this reading is that with each re-reading of  “In the Beginning..” I feel myself more and more a beginner.

As Christmas approaches I offer this GIFT of comfort to let you know that all is well, despite how it might feel some days. Yep, We’re all right on schedule and it’s (still) not ours…………..or the “experts” for that matter.

Blessings to all for a Very Merry Christmas and a Joyous New Year.

 

 

Ebb Tide Signature

Photo Credit - Edy Sargert                                                                                       c-2013

Ebb Tide Signature

The above title was first used when I wrote a short story for a high school composition class in the early 1970’s. “Little did I know”, that the theme and the title itself would cycle around fairly often over the past half century. The gist of the original story took place in far southern Florida and was about a young lad who would venture around hidden coves, islands and beaches in his small,4^th hand, battered, leaking but pretty reliable boat along  with his trusty side-kick dog.   They would have one adventure after another, dive or catch their meals watch sun rises and sun sets, swim with dolphins, turtles  and manatees, brave surf  and storms and basically lived a Huck Finn existence. Lots and Lots of miles were clocked just walking beaches where no other humans existed; (of course that was the whole point of each and every excursion). Sometimes the lad would pick up cool shells for his collection and always there would be “the search for the perfect stick” to be used in the mandatory  “Signing Ceremony” of each adventure and the claim of all the beaches, lands, terra/fauna, flotsam/jetsam  within site in the name of……………. ME.  

Re-con for the perfect beach would come in two forms. Inland excursions or Full Frontal Beach assaults. In that these beaches were mostly part of the 10,000 island chain of SW FL the paths were truly left to local knowledge. What looks like an easy trek through inland high ground to the shore many times can become quite another adventure when mangroves are present. Full frontal attacks are the most dangerous as the said boat was only 9’ long, aluminum and over powered to the tune of x3 because of some fancy engineering on the part of the Lad. This “fancy engineering” would provide valuable future lessons (good and not so good). I actually sat on the deck of the boat for added ballast and the dog would do a “diCapprio” on the bow as we jumped wave after wave on our way up and down the coast.  When a suitable beach would present itself we’d head for shore  and claim it . If the tide was out, I’d go in search of the “perfect stick”  and hold the signing ceremony while my dog watched obediently.

I’d walk up and down the beach and in and out to sign my name in 12 foot high letters. It had to be done exactly right the 1^st time as it was critical anyone coming to “our land” knew who the heck they were dealing with. Once satisfied I’d throw the casting net a few times to let the dog enjoy some shiners as I readied the spinning reel and baited for dinner.

While I’d stand in the surf and cast for dinner, I’d have visions of the future, using the signature behind me in the sand as my visual. Would I be signing famous artworks with it ? What about BIG business deals ? Mortages ? Marriage Licenses “ ? Birth Certificates? Report Cards ?  …..I was 14, what the heck did I know….?   All I knew is that one day I knew I’d be doing something BIG, Really BIG!! 

Later I’d gather wood and fronds, build a fire, cook up some fish walk and explore some more. The sun would start slipping toward slumber in the west and it would be time to head back because our boat had no lights. By this time too the tide had shifted and all claims to OUR LAND were re-claimed and made null by the creator. The dog and I looked at each other knowingly. We resigned ourselves to the temporary nature of or sovereign reign and hopped in the boat vowing to seek further conquests another day.  .......“Big things, I tell ya – “BIG Things “

THE Call

THE Call

I have been reminded recently how many “lost days” in my life have been totally wasted waiting for THE Call.

Before cell phones, it was the yellow handset in our kitchen.

It was THE phone I first learned “my number” on when phone numbers were partially letters. (BTW it was UL2-7117 and my Grandma Bootie’s # was FA1-4335) I could hear it all the way across the park and in the schoolyard next to our house and would stop EVERYTHING whenever I heard it ring knowing that “it was for me”. Perhaps it was my Dad, either of my grandparents or perhaps someone else offering me an alternative to whatever the heck it was I was doing at the time. The phone did not ring too often.

When I started my businesses I had tape machines that took messages, that later, from even payphones  I could point a device into the receiver to replay THE Call or still later insert a special code, even from overseas. Always waiting with anticipation for THE Call that would shift me out of whatever current situation I was experiencing. “Did the owner’s financing come through?” – “Did the Subs show up?” – “Were deposits made?”…”Permits?”…”New Client?” …etc…..sitting on pins and needles until answers could be had. Later I would await calls from my kids telling me about their days and what was happening at home but more often than not I was “too busy to talk” so as not to miss THE Call and let those calls get shorter and shorter.

 My 1^st cell phone only worked in my car as the unit fit in the trunk. My next one was a briefcase sized thing with a shoulder strap which looked stupid but I thought was techno-cool and well, you know how they’ve shrunk since then. What has not shrunk is this over riding cloud that seems to follow me in the ethers or wi-fi signals that continually tell me that I must carry this contraption to ensure I don’t miss THE Call.  “Is it charged? , charged enough?“ , “How many bars am I getting ?”

 We have had the great fortune to have our beautiful Grand-daughter with us for the summer and despite decades of knowledge I found myself patting my pocket too be sure the phone was there as we left this morning for a walk and scooter ride. Ugh.

THE Call may never come but, The Calling never stops.