Original Intent

                         EMS                                                                Foyer #2                                                c-2003

Original Intent

Dreams are Not Negotiable – Paulo Coelho

I had a continuation of an ongoing dream last night.

Somehow Edy and I found ourselves in a project I did many moons ago in Taos with some folks who were some kind of tour guides. As they went from space to space they explained that “Mrs. X” had the vision and aesthetic to add this particular multicolored fringe to the Harsh Iron Railings and felt the Chandeliers needed more color and on and on…………..I wanted to explode and throw up at the same time as we toured the facility. “OK, Calm down” I said to myself as we went from space to space and I saw and then heard the explanations for all the “adornments”. “Oh, my”…………I sighed as we trudged forward. “It’s not about YOU” I reminded myself for the umpteenth time, “It really isn’t” as the drone of explanations continued and the visual accosting continued……….”MAKE IT STOP !!!” I cried out as we just kept going and going.

At a particular stopping point to again get more “information” , I asked the tour guide if they knew the original “intention” behind the design of facility” ?  “Actually, NO, one of them replied, “we just work from this script”, waving it in front of my face. “Oh, I said and started to calm down a bit. “Would you like to?” I asked. They both looked uncomfortable and shuffled their feet while looking anywhere but at me and I just began to say:

“This facility was built to honor ALL religions, spiritual practices and beliefs. It was originally indented as a refuge for people caught up in the rat-race of their choosing to find a place to rest and reconnect with their God and leave transformed. Each area, element and detail is designed specifically for this purpose” .   No mention of me or my role, just the facts that opened the door to what became “this place” . They looked at each other and then back to the paper and just walked off. We followed them, as I knew the way out.

This theme of Original Intention –vs- Negotiating Dreams is up these days. Project after project – person after person, I witness the blowing off original intentions or dreams for some facsimile that has been negotiated in the mind and heart to the point that it seems “right.”  It’s a very painful process to witness yet it I know it’s being shown to me for a reason.

Where am I selling out or negotiating my dreams? What motivates me to even consider that they ARE negotiable? Is it a self worth thing? Is it fear of actually getting it ALL? Could it be a faith/doubt thing?   I’m curious, what are my joy buffers ?

Off to yoga to continue the investigation.

Ganesha

Ganesha

There is a mural of Ganesha on the side of the yoga studio we attend. His big elephant head and belly are painted in pinks and oranges with a floral border. His gaze is over the parking lot, yet seems to follow each member in and out….or vice-versa.  God of Obstacles.

Edy had conference calls this morning so I headed out for Route #2 on the bike. New computer was charged and I was pleased with the 10mph average I made as I worked my way toward Rice University.  Air was not too warm and there were many others also out on their bikes. Joni Mitchell’s BLUE Album was stuck in my head, ugh. I rode to the little village they have there and walked my bike a bit to gaze at some books and window shop for things Edy. Several folks stopped to talk to me about what I was reading or to comment on “pretty things” , hummm…..not a common occurrence.  I passed by a coffee shop I like and a young hip-hopster of about 3 came all the way to the sidewalk to say “Hi”, wave and point at his sister (6) who was doing a pretty cool dance move next to him. I waved at them both and clapped for the sister. Their parents were very proud!  I rode home without incident and still had the album in my head. Blue.

Over lunch today Edy and I discussed other periods of time where it appeared obstacles were stopping us or thwarting us from reaching goals or dreams we felt were really important. We were quickly reminded of the actual “blessing” of such thwarts in NOT allowing us to own thousands of acres of land with millions$  in infrastructure, other Real Estate (particularly now)  or be involved with a corrupt administration or having “partners” that were smoke and mirrors. Humm…?? Obstacles/Blessings……….(I think we’re on to something here)

I went on to describe how the current feelings remind me of past ones. Much like a tidal wave sucking out all the water from the bay until it’s totally empty …………….only to rush it all back in PLUS.    It’s the period of time when the boats are heeled over and the fish are flapping that always gets me gasping too…………..til I’m……………. Blue.

Edy asked some more clarifying questions and suggested some good exercises to help me with processing. When I nodded my head during her explanation that I was “doing them” she smiled and shared that she was keegling while we had our chat too so as to confirm our superior dual abilities of multi-tasking. We LOAO !   She also asked what musical note I would use to describe today’s feelings, which I thought was brilliant – “OOoommmmm..” I hummed, as I imagined my left hand way down the keys on the piano. “Humm, she said. “Imagine how pleasing that will sound once the frenetic energy starts up again (right hand on the keyboard) and you start becoming busy again. Both hands working together to create soothing harmonies.“  Interesting indeed.

So, as I shake my fist at the sky for not fulfilling my written mandates; I feel another part of me relaxing more and more each day. Could it be that the Red I’ve been thrusting upon this New Year in frustration of "thwarts"  is actually just the dawning and that with just a bit more patience  will soon transform into blessings of BLUE? 
Stay tuned.

The Force

                       Enlightenment Series                                       Ranchos #23                                                     c-2007

The Force

Edy was up a lot last night working on stuff so I let her sleep when I rolled out of bed early. I snuck the coffee grinder into the guest bathroom and wrapped it in a towel to grind-up the morning “fix” so she could rest. She needed it.

I plowed through a bunch of correspondence and planned then scratched the “plans” and just DID some things I wanted to do to “thwart the thwarter”, as my attitude was already slipping before my 2^nd cup of java.  “2012, I’ve known your cousins and there is something suspicious already about you”, I thought as I hurried through my list before meteors started falling or some other early calamity occurred.

In an attempt to not slide in to anything “postal” I suggested a bike ride to Edy before she had fully awaken. Nothing like a drill sergeant to get your day off to a cheery start, eh? What a guy!

We saddled up and took a swing by the PO , then off to Ride #3 for a spin. Weather was really nice people were not. I guess the expiration date for Xmas Cheer expired last midnight because everyone we passed had an attitude. From folks parking like jerks to other pulling halfway into our paths and then blaming us for their goof, folks were just plain crabby.    What’s that saying???  –“you spot – you got it”.   Oh and did I mention that my new bike computer ran out of juice before the ride? (Thwarted).

We got back early and I plowed through the rest of my “un-list” and could not help but see that every appointment and meeting I was to have this week never happened and 90% of the calls I was to have received never happened either. “2012, I’m keeping THIS eye on YOU” I said as I looked at my calendar and transferred names on to post-its so as not be reminded of erasures each time I look at it for the rest of the month.  Then I thought of a new “Inspirational Saying” as I growled…………”Live every day in pencil”….which I promptly followed up with a bunch of “and” ……….sayings that spoiled the original “Inspired Moment” ………..but would have been applauded in parts of New Jersey.

This was evening of #5 Bikram Yoga. I’m really getting into it and already recognize a few folks as regulars. One asked me today if I was past #10 and I just said “next week” and meant it. Teachers are helpful and classes still have a full range of participants on many different levels so I feel quite comfortable. Heat is a bear, but as we discussed during an earlier session, this August we’ll be wanting to go into the 104 degree room to cool off.

It’s pretty easy to see who is in it for themselves and who is there for “social” purposes. At session #5 I already have a good science experiment going. During class I’m really focused on me (but sometimes look at Edy because I can’t help it) but before and after and as we prep for the next poses I do a perimeter scan in the mirror to see who’s doing what. We’re all sweating out our body weight in fluids which seems unfathomable but it’s true. Soaked clothes, towels, mats etc.. yet some folks are primping and ogling each other and talking in code …………then there are the young folks, who should be doing that but are way too serious about their practice. Young  Yoga Republicans.  

So, before class this guy walks in and the fur on my neck immediately stands straight up. He looks at me and I give him my best German Sheppard stare until he looks away. Crap ! – Boardroom, Construction site , Grocery Store you know the type, I’m ready to rip his jugular out and I don’t even know him. BUT, I feel his vibe and know I’m right. THIS is not how you are supposed to feel in a Yoga class I remind myself and told myself to just “sit”.

When it’s time for class I walk in and lie down to acclimate to the heat for a bit and then when the teacher says “let’s start” I get up and turn around to see this same guy standing right in front of Edy’s mat. I growled out loud. He refused eye contact. Good.

I worked really hard to shift my mind back between my own ears and concentrated on my breathing and poses. Two young girls set up all their towels next to my feet so that when I laid down mid-session I was sweating all over their Laura Ashley. I tried my best to adjust my toes not to but to no avail. I then used my “force” to shake them out of their heat stroked daze to move them on their own. Ah, the force, it worked.

After class Edy and I stayed on our mats to get our heart rates down and let the locker rooms clear out a bit. She went into hers, and I went into mine , we changed and walked out to the parking lot and got in the car to go home.  As we pulled out on the road I put my hand on her leg and she immediately said “don’t touch me right now, I am SO annoyed”……….”Why I asked?”………….”Errr !!!, Did you notice that guy in front of me during class???”………………………..”As a matter of fact, I did”,  I answered with a side-ways grin.

“He had the WORST Vibe” she said………….and went on to describe it all the way home.

“GOD, I love that girl!”  

Thwarted

             Rusty Philosophy Series                                                          Tao Truck                                           c-2005

Thwarted

Edy and I have decided that January is our month to embrace the feeling of being “thwarted.” Five days in and it’s already a trend. Choices are to get mad, feel victimized or just let it roll as it’s certainly not stopping anytime soon. Today alone had a boat load of “thwarts” before 3pm. More followed.

Other months have been embraced because of their abundance, depression, activity and lethargy to mention a few. We’ve learned to just let them “be” because no amount of ranting or raving seems to shift what “is” and only serves to get us all cranked up (more). There is certainly a rhythum to them, like breathing. 

Edy asked me to describe the “feeling” this morning and the only thing I could come up with is to use a sailing analogy (my favorites). Sometimes you’ll be sailing along on a good reach , healing like crazy and gaining and gaining speed. Hair flying , wind in your face ………..SAILING BABY !!!     Then all of a sudden the wind STOPS. Just STOPS. !!!  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot !!!  You can look around see wind “over there” and “over there” but where you are – Zilsch.  Poseidon Inhaled and now you just have to wait for him to exhale. You can do nothing but wait and be attentive. Our own little Sargasso Sea.

Tonight was #4 Bikram Yoga. We arrived with heavy hearts and proceeded through our poses. I was proud that I was able to do them all today without “taking a knee” (yoga equivalent of a standing 8). Progress was made.

It was a thwart reprieve.

The photo above is from my old Rusty Philosophy Series and the caption reads:

“He sits in a field in Taos, NM protecting the mountains, land, sky and all who pass with the deadly force of Yin and Yang”   .......................Powerful.

Namaste

             Enlightenment Series                                                                             c-2006                                

Namaste

“I am SO screwed,” I thought as I went into the second set of the “let’s all try to look like canoes” pose.  Lying on our bellies, faces forward, arching backs with arms behind grabbing ankles and “ARCH…….Further……….FURTHER ………..Look up to the ceiling………Arch Further, FURTHER”…..”Right” I (actually) said to myself this time as I held on tight to my shins and mimicked a pirogue. The good news was at least I could grab my shins which was impossible three days ago, the bad news was that we still had 40 minutes to go. Did I mention it’s Hot ? ……….Really Hot.

Edy and I eased into the day today with our morning “talks” and good Kona coffee, FINALLY. We’d run out over the holidays and had to await a FedEx mule to bring us “a couple of keys” to quell the Jones’ing that was overtaking. I was supposed to have a bunch of appointments that never happened so we settled for a joint bike ride to get out in the air for awhile. It was a nice cool morning and although traffic was heavy we made our runs without incident. Mission accomplished.

We had some afternoon things we had to do separately and reconvened just in time to head out for day #3 of Bikranm Yoga. I’m really enjoying it and if I remove my judgments on myself for not already knowing how to do everything already (perfectly) I find the classes go smoother. I am encouraged by the progress that has happened each day even though it’s minimal. Hey, “progress not perfection”, (quote me).

As I was trying to turn my arms into pretzels while having my legs also turned into twisted licorice I chuckled to myself (quietly, I promise) as I remembered my 1^st trip to Barney’s in NYC. I was in the middle of a job for a Big-time TV producer (and believe me she would remind Anyone of it at Anytime- “BIG-Time”) anyway, I had saved up a boatload of cash to get all decked out because I was tired of the Boston Business Look I had to wear to not be considered a Communist up there. I walked in the store and started scoping out everything – Floor by Floor. I knew something was “off” but I could not put my finger on it as I browswed. Then it started to dawn on me that everyone in the store was small. Not necessarily short or “schmall” but, ….humm, how can I put this….”of light frame ??“ I turned right, yep. I turned left, yep. “Humm, this could be a problem” ,  I thought as I headed up to the Men’s Department for the second time.

“Can I help you sir ?” the young man with the hot pink glasses and gelled DA asked as he gave me the once over. “Yes” I said, “Do you have anything is a 54 long ?”  “PULEEEEEEZZZZZZEEE !!!” he said and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “Seriously??” I asked, “Oh honey, MOST Definitely” he said as he just turned on his toes and walked away to assist other non-Neanderthals.

So, I’m all twisted up (in my own special way) and looking in a mirror at myself and all the other folks (from Barney's) who are doing their best with each of the poses and sweating our collective butts off and I begin to really get into it. Alignment starts making more sense and I can feel it actually “click into place” as I adjust my spine. “A little bit more” is just that – I give it “a little bit more” and ka-zam it’s more than yesterday and I feel encouraged. I like the “vibe” in the room, everyone giving all they can whatever that might be. I like that.

Class ends, we cool off and change and come home to a wonderful meal and a quiet time of just being together. Me and Edy, Life is good and we are blessed.

Perhaps my appointments will come through tomorrow …………..Ask me if I care?????”  “PULEEEEEEZZZZZZEEE !!!”

Savasana

                       Enlightenment Series                                                    Grounding                                     c-2007

Savasana

“Holy smokes it’s hot in here”, I said for the 10^th time in 5 minutes. Really HOT !!

And that was the good news. The bad news was that we were only 25 minutes into a 90 minute class of Bikranm Yoga.  The room is 104F and packed to the gills with folks all sweaty and twisted around like pretzels. 2 sets of 26 poses. "Lord, help me".

Edy 1^st mentioned yoga to me when we were in France many years ago.  She and our buddy Dr. B were deciding just how to modify, repair and in some way re-mold what stood before them because, for whatever reason they saw a few rough edges and areas that could “use some work”. I was quite certain they were mistaken and chuckled under my breath at their naiveté in kicking the tires of a “catch” such as myself, “Mr. Wonderful”.  In fact She and  Dr. B even went so far as to make some kind of  grandiose statement about  how the Universe will keep putting a lesson in front of you time after time until you “get it”. I smiled politely because they were kind souls and I did not want to be rude ………….AND I had no clue what the heck they were talking about and definitely did not “get it” …. “What ME need more lessons !!”………….”Phuuueee, you obviously don’t know who I am !!”…..I thought behind my mask of worldliness…………..but, at the same time there was this tiny little voice, really small and soft that spoke to me while she was talking that was saying “LISTEN” and “LISTEN CLOSELY TO THIS –YOU’LL NEED IT”…………….fade to black…………..

Fast forward the life-tape about a decade and I see now that Edy and Dr. B were spot on on all fronts. Stuff comes up lessons were ignored, stuff comes up LOUDER and lessons are ignored, stuff comes up SCREAMING and lessons are ignored, Stuff comes up – Things BLOW UP and you know what , Hey Now I’m attentive.  I suppose even Mr. Wonderful could use a few new tricks, starting with humility (which BTW was the flavor of the month for many years). And how about the new trick of yoga practice that I'd scoffed about all these years.......ugh, "ok", no need for SCREAMING !!.

So, Today I went through all the poses to the best of my ability. Some I surprised myself on how well I could do, others I thought ………“Are YOU Kidding ME !!!”……………..”SHHHhhhhhh…!!.”NO TALKING !!”…..I guess I should clarify by saying “I thought, I though”….I actually said it out loud, “sorry”. I stretched and contorted as well as a 54 year old 6-1 / 250lb guy could do on his 1st day. At the end of 90 minutes no EMT’s were called and I didn’t fall on anyone, so it was a success and I am excited to continue the next 9 sessions we have signed up for. After that we’ll see where we go from there.  Oh, and "no", I didn't cry..............felt like it when I was on my stomach with my arms back to my ankles trying to look like a canoe, but stayed strong.

As I sat on the bench outside in my soaking wet clothes after the class I was reminded of other 1^st practices and 1^st trainings and how it all only got better as the trainings continued. I then though about Edy and how this was something we’ve talked about for a very long time and finally stopped talking and did it (thanks solely to her). I am very proud for both of us to continue to create these “High 5” moments for ourselves and enjoy each moment together as deeply as possible before we lay down for the final Savasana.  

1st Impressions

                      My Back Yard Series                                      Trickster #5                                           c-2006

1^st Impressions

New Years Day 2012, sunny, clear and cool, exactly the same as my attitude when I finally woke up this morning.

Last night Edy and I watched another disc of SHOGUN (3^rd time) retired at 10pm and then I adjourned to the Living room a bit later to finish a book I had going so as to not disturb her sleep. I heard a few revelers in the distance as I turned through the pages but no gunshots, ambulances or crying babies. All was well as we slid into the New Year.

Edy and had a light breakfast and then walked over the movie theater for a “nooner” . That’s right, because (you remember) we can. It was a good flick although a bit dark and adhered to the book quite well. We returned home a few hours later and finally hung the monster mirror I’d been putting off for weeks. I could not have done it without her help.

For almost three decades I have a morning practice of several readings I “do” to start my day and help me center myself for what may (or may not) come my way during the day. A different version of the practice is performed at night and so continues the ritual for 2012, one day at a time.  

Today is always a bit special because during the year I keep the books stacked on top of each other with the next readings pages on top of the cover of the next and the next and so on. Today is the day they all get closed and re-opened to Page 1. That in itself is a ceremony. Today’s readings all speak of similar themes, new beginnings and casting off of old …..what-evers.

During the “Taos Years” I’d take long walks in the mountains, arroyos and sage near our home/studio. I had a lot to think about during those times and regardless of the season I’d walk, and think and think and walk for hours on end. It was not long before the coyotes in the area figured out what I was doing and would “track” be in their unique coyote fashion. They would always stay to my flank and circle in front then behind me in a figure eight. Up the trail, down the trail. Every once in a while they would send out a scout to dart in front of me to see if I’d follow. Our native neighbors called them “tricksters” and I think this was just another of their ploys .I never followed the scout but would sometimes play my own “tricks” by hiding in the Pinon down wind and wait for the rear recon team to come close. They always saw me from a distance and in my own mind I felt they were impressed with my stealth. Impressing coyotes was a highlight of those days.   

At night they would sing to each other with sadness and occasionally with glee when they caught one of the rabbits or mice they sought so fervently. We left out bird food in the winter and kept the fish pond heated so they would have an easier go of it. Lord knows we all needed an easier go of it then. Each spring I’d first see the tracks and then we’d see the pups at the pond. We’d track them to their dens in the Arroyo and sweep wide so as to not get them too concerned. Good neighbors that we were.  Our own dogs ignored them.

During my daily walks I’d see evidence of successful and not so successful hunting expeditions. Inside I’d give a cheer for the pack, Hip- Hip Hooray !!. Unfortunately each season we’d always, always, we’d see the lump of fur on the side of the road of the ones who never quite grasped the “look both ways” concept of crossing the highway; Bummer.   

This last trip to Taos we were greeted by a Bald Eagle in the canyon, Several Hawks near the kid’s house and one of my Trickster friends as I drove by our old mountain road.  Perhaps they sent him out to see if THIS Time I’d finally follow or just to show me that he looked both ways. Either way, I was impressed.